She was not your mother a ceremony back but now she is! Though you have never known her for years , this lady now holds a position more than your mother in Indian households ..and that's the mother-in-law (MIL), a figure of terror and also a much maligned entity for many.
Till you were in courtship, she loved you as though you were all that she wanted for her son. Surprisingly, the relationship turns topsy-turvy once you step into her house. She sees you as a threat, she competes with you, she feels insecure and there are times she feels jealous and times, re-visits the decision of choosing you for her beloved son. Is this sourness because you were not her blood?
On the other side, there are MIL who hail their daughter-in-law saying; She is my daughter, she completes our family, she is the lamp that removed the darkness permeating our home and so on...there is warmth in her that runs parallel with her rigidness owing to the 'in-law' that gets suffixed to the 'mother' in her. And those are the sweeter MILs who are not that common though.
For every relationship there is a day to celebrate, be it mothers, fathers. siblings, friends, grand parents, the list never ends. And, today is a very special day to commemorate the MILs who infuse sweetness, sourness and bitterness in the relationship. Though not universally, last Sunday of every October is observed as National mother-in-law day. Sources say, this day was first observed on March 5, 1934, in Amarillo Texas, where it was initiated by the editor of the local Amarillo newspaper.
Though, in India, there is no such day to patronize the MIL, we thought of interacting with a few daughters-in-law and MILs themselves to know their bond- is it bitter, sour or sweet?
“We never got along from the day I got married; she had an issue with everything I did, as though whatever I did was a felony. I still can recollect how I wanted to quit the home and even dissolve the marriage because of her,” lamented a widow, Priya (name changed on request) , who now lives with her mother in law.
“A lot changed after my husband got diagnosed with cancer and passed away last year. She has been a pillar of strength for me; together we fought my husband’s cancer; we couldn’t defeat the cancer but we buried our animosity. It’s just the two of us for each other now and the relationship we share is beyond motherhood, sometimes it’s like staying with your best friend to whom you have nothing to pretend about", shares Priya.
While Priya shares how her bitter relationship with her MIL got better and sweeter, there is a sobbing story of a poor couple who lost their daughter for dowry harassment by MIL.
“I am sure they burnt her alive", the poor parents sobbed. "Our daughter would always come crying to us saying we have given very less in dowry and that they wanted more. Her MIL was a very callous lady. She took away all the jewels we had gifted our daughter during wedding. Her MIL treated her as a house maid, day and night she made my daughter work. And, on one fine day, they called us saying our daughter was no more and that she died of a cylinder burst. It was our biggest mistake to force her to get married, and at last she succumbed to marriage,” an incident shared by a couple living in Periyanaickenpalayam, who were hesitant to disclose their identity.
The projection of a mother-in-law has mostly been vindictive, be it in movies or in old fairy tales. She has often been projected as a 'villain' or a 'domineering character' who would plot strategies against their daughter- in- law. But is reality like that? Though there are few stories that unfold the maliciousness of a MIL, there are stories that are tranquilizing in their own way.
Engrossed in watching her family photo album, we caught up with an old lady, Kamala Amma at an old age home near Nirmala College.
“I had a beautiful family, it all changed after my daughter in law's arrival. She ruined everything for us despite me taking every effort to make life comfortable for her. She would wake up at 10 in the morning, by then I would clean up the house, cook food, make all the basic arrangements for the day and yet not expect her to do anything because I was just doing my routine which I would do anyways.
And then one day my son got a job offer in Dubai, I was extremely happy for him, I thought we were all shifting till they consigned me here and left. Now my son comes to see me once in 6 months but I haven’t seen my daughter-in-law for the past 3 years. I still wonder how she could be so egoistic and uncompassionate to me. Is she punishing me for making her life comfortable and not pointing out her mistakes?" whimpers Kamalamma.
Mother-in-law, the name holds such extremes together, while it has the word 'mother' that highlights the sweetness and comfort; while the term 'in-law' reminds of the rigidity and stranger in her. And, that makes it a bittersweet symphony!
To the contrary, there are daughters-in-law who cherish and taken aback by the unconditional love and support rendered by their MIL, who say, "Be it managing the family or encouraging to revamp my lost career, my MIL supports me more than my mother". How sweet isn't it?
We caught with a young daughter-in-law, Nirmala Rathi from the City, who says "My MIL is more than a mother to me. We talk to each other like friends, I have never hesitated to propose or disclose anything to her and vice versa. I am like a daughter to her in true sense", claims Nirmala.
"It’s because of her that I am able to balance my career and my personal life without encumbering each other. While I have rush hours in the morning she cooks and takes care of the family commitments. And, on weekends, I take over the kitchen to ensure she has leisure. This is just an example; we have many such easy adjustments that there is no need for bitter experiences to pop-up.", says Nirmala Rathi, a chartered accountant.
"Instead of adding the ‘in law ‘to the relationship just see her as a mother and everything changes big time. The warmth of a mother is in her always, you just need to bring that forward and forget the age-old saga that sees the MIL as a villain and see how beautiful life becomes", asserts Nirmala.
For some daughters-in-law, the abbreviation for MIL would be 'Monster-in-law, while for others it would be 'Much in Love'. To some she is a boon, to some a bane. But for sure, times are changing, MILs are no more 'villains' they are open to embrace their daughter-in-law, the legacy holder and let them lead the way, hereon.